Thursday, November 05, 2009

my life as of the moment

I offer no excuse for spending a little more than a few bucks on indulgent food when, less than 24 hours ago, I promised myself and my clamoring body steadily infested by cellulite (that evil, evil bitch) that I would cut out on the fat and start three sets of leg-raise on mornings and, if my temperamental will would allow, evenings. Why, then, am I presently here in Gazebo, already through with a serving of beef lasagna and a slice of chocolate cake? I do not know, I swear I do not, except that I have taken to the habit of dropping by this little cafe whenever I'm in the mood to think and write, which is, perhaps, the reason why it has been customary for me to spend an afternoon or two in this quiet little place before leaving for Manila. It might be because of its location, being set in the center of the district I've learned to know and love, right at the middle of the streets that have grown so familiar to me. This, and coupled with the fact that, despite the passing cars and rushing people outside, I feel just a little secluded here, safe in the haven of pasta, jazz music, and the few people who, I am led to believe, share my sentiments.

Three weeks have gone by so fast, too fast even. All the days went fleeting by before I could finish saying "sembreak". But I guess that is how time must fly when one is savoring the joys of family, good company and the genius that is the aircon. The past 20 or so days have been wonderful--- that abused word, yes, but there is no other way to put it. Fortunately, I was able to complete my to-do checklist for this break, except for that beach trip-- but never mind, I shall have to save that for summer. I was able to laze around (finally!), own the television, sleep in a queensize bed, and feel truly at home. I was able to read two books, (which I so much miss, and which is a luxary given to me only during my Literature class)--- one, the Bridget Jones' Diary- The Edge of Reason (which I got on sale, and which, as expected, sent me laughing the whole three days long), and the other, The Glass of Time, a historical piece of fiction which I yet have to finish.

But shame on me if I were to limit my sembreak to that. Of course, the break meant more than just the food and the comfort and the time off. It also meant a period of assessment and reassessment, of thinking and of reflecting, of healing and of growing, things that have to be part of our lives if we were to truly live.

The greatest discovery I have made over the break is the wonder in being able to grow separately with the people you love, without having to grow distant. Over the break, I've seen in my family how we've grown and matured so much, how we've turned out to be different, better people, and how we now treat each other with so much more respect without having to sacrifice the comfort and closeness that has always been an essential part of our relationship. I'm happy to observe how we are also more capable of discussing mature, sensitive topics, how we've been slowly opening up our minds to ideas we would have immediately shunned years back.

It is, I think, more than just the change in outlooks. It is more, I believe, in the change of character. It shows how we've all decided to open our eyes and see the world in different lights. It makes me smile, the thought of evolving by the second, of allowing ourselves to be swept by the times, and still being true to the people we are.

For me, the best conversations happen when a group of people have grown individually and decided to share this growth to others. It's always exhilarating to be able to share open and unbiased ideas on religion, politics, fashion, sex, the world! with people you feel most comfortable with. Seeing how we've chosen to transcend our closed minds and have learned to open our hearts truly makes me smile.

This is a snapshot of me and my life as of the moment.

I'm back to fast lane again, but this time, I'm ready. :)

Saturday, October 17, 2009

the little things

I'm all alone in Krispy Kremes right now and, in between sips of my Caramel Latte and bites of my cheesecake, I struggle to make the most that I can out of the overpriced doughnuts by using the outlet's free WiFi. I miss moments like these. I miss being alone, not having to think of Math or Filipino, not having to worry about my QPI or my outfit for the next day (because honestly, it is a worry). I miss this--- being able to wear a casual dress and worn-out slippers, and mindlessly sashaying around the mall. I call moments like these my "alone time", my own date with myself, a perfect time to think and ponder and write, three of my most favorite things to do.

Over the sem, I've changed a lot. It's not just those little changes; it's more like a total, 180-degree-turn sort of change, a revolutionizing sort of growth that only happens when something huge and enlightening hits you in the forehead. And as always, growth is meant to be shared. Here are a few of my realizations over the sem:

(1) Permanence is a myth. It is an idea created by people who are afraid of change, who cannot bear the thought that life changes, that as long as something is alive, it will continue to evolve. There is no such thing as permanence, only resistance to growth.

And you know what, people can be resistant to growth without even knowing it, which is why I'm thankful, I really am, that I've found myself in an iffy place, because now that I'm far from everything I find familiar, I have nowhere to go but forward. Sometimes, when we're in our comfort zones, we tend to stick to whatever we know is most convenient and easy. When we feel comfortable, it becomes harder for us to venture to the the different, and for all the practical reasons of course. But when we keep on doing what we've always been used to, when we keep choosing the comfortable and familiar, life becomes one tight cycle, one predictable story, leaving no room for change at all. Which is why

(2) Growth always requires a conscious effort. Of course, in my situation, there is a need for growth in order to survive, but still, there has to be the choice to take those steps. We have to choose to alter our lives, to take options we don't normally take, to aspire to constantly be better people.

(3) I realized that I am strong. I realized that you can put me anywhere in the world, anywhere at all, and I will live. I can see the resilience of the human spirit in me. I can say, loud and proud, that what I went through wasn't easy, especially not with my personality. But guess what? I survived, and did a darn good job surviving.

But still, I have to admit that

(4) Always, there will be people better than me at something. I am not the center of the universe. I am not the alpha and the omega. Always, there will be people who will make me humble, who will challenge me, who will make me want to be better.

I used to be a proud, self-absorbed, little prat. I always thought I was ahead of the pack. But now, I see people who are smarter and wittier, and a lot more humble. I must confess that, at first, it made me feel so small, so commonplace. It shattered my illusion that I have so much more substance than everyone else. But after the bitter, shattering phase came the realization that I have so much to go, that there is still so much to learn. It motivates me and pushes me to go further, to want to be more.

Imagine if I led the rest of my life thinking I was above everyone else, that I was already good enough... I would never have been able to grow as much. With the humbling experience comes the desire to be greater too.

(5) I learned that there will always be a new life-experience waiting to be discovered, which is why

(6) I leave this space blank.

To life! This shot's for you!

Labels: feel-good, i saw the light

Monday, October 05, 2009

always something there to remind me

I miss my family. I really do. That's probably one of my first realizations the moment I arrived here--- that no matter how we seek the company of friends and barkadas, at the end of the day, we're still going to long for that sense of home only our families can give us.

But being away from the people whom I care most about---and who care most about me--- also made me realize the value of true relationships. I realized how the quality and the depth of our relationships are more important than the number of friends we have, or the number of people on our YM list. What really matters is the sincerity and truth that we invest in our relationships with other people.

And on that note, I must say that I'm blessed to have roommates whom I consider real friends, not just people I sleep with and study with, but also people I can converse with, people I can argue with, people I can truly live with. I feel lucky to have gained three wonderful people whose personalities excite me, inspire me, complement me---- especially when brought together by the powers of good food and shopping.

And when we laugh about a silly joke, or when we're absorbed with a really cute dress, or when we're just lying on our own beds, telling each other the stories of our lives, I feel a certain sense of family, a certain sense of comfort in knowing that, although we just lived with each other for barely 5 months, we find in each other something we all long for--- home.

Meet my new family.

To all the people whom I've shared real relationships with, here's a little, Persian hot sauce message:

Love,

a.k.a. ang pinakamagandang hayop sa balat ng lupa

Labels: feel-good, i saw the light, mighty-bond, putograper mode, school girl, woman-on-a-mission

Monday, September 21, 2009

i'm my own wonder wall

Tonight, I had a talk with an old friend, someone I haven't been with for more than a year already. We were walking along the damp, crowded sidewalks of Malate, all the while fully aware that it was our first conversation outside of our small, little city... that we were walking underneath a totally different sky from the home we knew, that we were there, right at the center of the busy roads of Padre Gil, no longer the same people we were.

Right at that moment, I never felt so intensely different, so totally grown. We began to share our learning experiences--- having to move out of home, adjusting to a new crowd, learning to live independently, making mistakes along the way, and growing by the second.

I'll never forget the night before my trip to Manila. I remember looking around me, hoping that things would never change, that when I arrive at Quezon, I'll still be the same person I was. But the thing is, I cannot be. I cannot be the same person I was, not when I'm left to fend for my own needs, to try my own diskarte, to keep myself alive.

But I also realized that there is room to grow only when there is readiness for change. I can proclaim with all confidence and conviction that I have grown, only because I was willing to surrender myself to the wisdom of life. I am no longer the same ol' Christie I was barely 4 months ago. For me, that seems decades back, like a surreal dream or an old life. Of course, the really special things will always remain the same, but most will not.

And this is the part when I realize that things happen for a reason, (yes, including the shit along the way), and everything that happens to you is supposed to change you. Sometimes, it just takes a step outside one's comfort zone to figure things out, but as soon as you recognize, accept and work on life's changes, you become a better a person.

I think, and my friend and I both agree, that there is a certain feeling only people who've tried moving alone to a new place would understand. It is the sort of feeling only a true recognition of independence would give. It is a liberating feeling, the feeling that life can control you the same way you control life. It is a feeling that you get when you're out to get your laundry instead of finding them arranged in the closet, the same feeling you get when you're heating-up food in the microwave instead of sitting in the dining table with a full meal right in front of you, or when you're out at a convenience shop in Katipunan at 3 A.M. and think that, back home, you would've received serious scolding for being out that late. But it is also the same feeling you get when you find out that you can handle your own life, that you can take care of your dirty laundry and your dusty corner, that you can still wade your way through Tagalog-speaking creatures and find that your accent's still perfectly Bisaya, thankyouverymuch.

And again, on this note, we both agree that we're thankful we're here, that we've gone through so much, that we felt (and still do feel) more than a little uncomfortable and different, that we had quite a handful of concerns to deal with, and still manage to keep ourselves alive.

It occurs to me that this is my first blog post since moving out of home. This is me now.

Cheers to my changing life, and my growth along the way!

Labels: feel-good, I, i saw the light, i'm baaaaaackkkk, putograper mode, woman-on-a-mission